Effective Online Dating Tips

Searching for effective online dating tips? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Dating can be often awkward and intimidating. With the advent of Internet dating sites and local singles’ groups, we’re exposed to potential matches nearly every single day. Millions of people at our fingertips, yet this idea can cause many people to freeze up and have trouble getting through the first steps.

When you experience the wonderful world of online dating, you are exposed to just about any kind of person you’d like to meet. Sure, there are risks involved. Yet in reality, these risks are often less than what you'd find by going the offline route--meeting people in clubs, bookstores or even the grocery store. The Internet allows people to be whoever they wish to be and at very little risk since, at its very core, these profiles are anonymous. Until you plan to meet.

One of the most important dating relationship tips to offer is to be honest. Don’t attempt to create a profile that highlights aspects of your best friend’s life or your parents’ journeys. You want potential matches to be interested in you, not a picture of some obscure model few people would even recognize or the statement that you love football when you don’t. It may seem relatively harmless at first, and of course, you’re trying to meet as many potential matches as possible so making yourself appear more appealing is just a natural reaction, right? Wrong.

When you set up a profile that isn’t accurate, embellishes truths, and even outright lies, you’re setting up yourself to be sorely disappointed, and potentially hurting what could possibly be the man, or woman, of your dreams. Trying to explain months into a relationship that you really can’t stand football and only put that in your profile because you figured most guys love the sport and that would be an appealing bonus, will inevitably lead to other questions and pitfalls.

It’s very tempting to want to post information that makes you seem better or more important, but that’s an issue that most of us have, anyway, and it’s called self-esteem or self-image. Just be honest, be yourself, and you’ll see that men, or women, will come ‘knocking’ on your online profile all of the time. You’ll have so many matches just by being yourself that you won’t know what to do with yourself.

Another bit of dating relationship tips is to communicate clearly. This can be extremely tricky if you’re filled with humor or, an edgier side of humor, sarcasm. When you first start communicating with potential dates you’ve met online, it will most likely be through email. Think about how humor or sarcasm comes across in writing. There are no inflections, no hidden winks, or other physical attributes that will help get your point across. Read what you’ve written carefully before sending it off. This way you’ll know that your intention will be received and hopefully you two will hit it off.

Energizing Your Love Life Begins with A Younger, More Active You. Click HERE for more details.

Myths About Men, Women, and Online Dating

They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We sometimes think, act and behave so differently, that we start to believe this statement holds some truth. But as different as we may be, we can’t live without each other. That’s why we need to learn each other’s language and decipher each other’s secret codes. Let’s take a look at two common beliefs about men and women.

Women prefer bad boys. Lots of men are under the impression that women like the notorious bad boy. They assume that being too nice to a women can be viewed as wimpy or interpreted as weakness. Let’s analyze this. What is it about bad boys that attracts women and why do the nice guys seem to always finish last?

First of all, it’s not being treated badly by a man that women are attracted too. It’s the confidence and strength bad boys exude that’s so appealing to women. It’s instinctual for women to be drawn to a strong confident man. In nature, the female of every species is drawn to the alpha male who displays the ability to take care of her and her offspring, it’s the same natural instinct that drives humans.

Bad boys seem to chase after and date lots of women, while the nice guys, being less aggressive, hang in the background. Bad boys play hard to get while nice guys tend to be open, letting you know where they stand. Bad boys act like they couldn’t care less, while nice guys are interested in seeing that your needs are met.

It’s not that women like to be ignored by men, it’s the thrill of the chase that women like. It’s having to work hard to get the guy that all the other girls want, that makes the bad boy so irresistible. So how does the nice guy get ahead? The nice guy may be shy which comes across as sensitive and compliant. The nice guy seems like a push over when in reality, he is just kind and accommodating. Unfortunately, the nice guy may some times be overlooked since he appears “needy”.

It might be to a man’s advantage to strive to be somewhere in the middle, a little bad boy and a little nice guy.

Men can’t communicate. Women are always complaining that men don’t communicate. Men and women’s brains are wired differently, which is why there is a communication challenge in most male-female relationships. Men tend to group their feeling into compartments while women remember all related issues and lump them all together. When this occurs within a “discussion”, men take this as an all out character attack and shut down.

Men and women also have different motives for communicating. Both men and women use communication as a way to express their needs, prove they are right and affirm their self-worth. This is where the similarity ends. Women use communication to form an emotional bond where men tend to use communication toward some result, like solving a problem or issue.

As soon as a woman starts a conversation, she is longing for that connection through the communication itself. Men however, are not comfortable talking about emotions, and try to quickly arrive at a solution, cutting the conversation short once a conclusion is made.

It is important for women to understand that most men have been taught to suppress their emotions and feel demeaned if they express feeling of failure, fear or self doubt. If your guy appears aloof and unable to share with you his thoughts and feelings, it’s not because he does not care or love you. He expresses his feelings through actions, such as taking care of the family.

Understanding and accepting our differences is the key to successful relationships. This is not an easy process and takes constant work from both parties.

Energizing Your Love Life Begins with A Younger, More Active You. Click HERE for more details.

How to Tell if He is Mister Right

Do you want to stop wasting your time trying to figure out if he’s Mr. Right?  Are his mixed signals driving you NUTS?

Perhaps you’d like to know if he’s truly ready to commit, or what are the qualities that will make him fall for you.  We’re happy to inform you that starting TODAY, you can put all those lingering questions to rest.

Men never come with an instruction manual.

What lies inside are the best-kept secrets of the male psyche.  Unlock them, and a prosperous love life awaits you!

Now then,

Have you ever worked with, or have friends who just seem programmed to be at ease with themselves…but are drop-dead gorgeous at the same time?  Has it blown your mind to think how EFFORTLESS it is for some women to be themselves while attracting men left and right??

Are they just blessed with dumb luck, or are they onto something you’re not?

Let’s tackle a few basic traits that generate surefire attraction with the opposite sex:

# 1: Treat yourself like a prize, and he’ll follow suit

An irresistible woman knows that she’s worthy enough of a man’s time, affection, and most of all, RESPECT.  She never seeks out a man because she feels like a relationship will save her.

In fact, her life is so complete that she doesn’t need a guy to fix her or make her whole.  A sassy woman is perfectly fine being single for the moment because she knows that Mr. Right will come along in due time.

There isn’t any need to go into a panic or lower your standards just to make room for a guy who won’t treat you the way you should be.  More importantly, you don’t try attracting a man out of DESPERATION, because that isn’t exactly an endearing quality.

It’s absolutely essential to be a self-referenced woman who doesn’t seek a man out of social pressure.  She allows a man into her life because he makes her happy and adds to her personal growth.

Her relationship doesn’t define her life, but rather enriches it.  The problem with a lot of women is that they often date a man for the former reason and not the latter.
As a result, they’ll act needy and clingy because they’re deathly afraid of being alone, even if it means lowering their standards and putting up with any guy that comes along.

Acting out of FEAR is never the basis for a healthy, long-term relationship.

Simply put, self-respect is done by placing value on yourself, and that in turn will prompt a quality man to treat you in the same manner.  Otherwise, an attractive woman has no problems showing him the door and moving on with her life.

# 2: Just say “NO” to mind games

The folly of manipulating a guy is that whatever happiness you’ll get out of toying with his mind will be SHORT-LIVED.  Once you’ve dealt him your best cards and he’s given up chasing after you, then there won’t be much reason to stick around.

So don’t bother adhering to a bunch of stupid rules.  There’s plenty of harmful advice floating out there which are usually created out of specific experiences that don’t apply to everyone.  You might hear that you should NEVER kiss on a first date, or that you must go to bed with him on the third one.

Please, these so-called rules are made by bitter and jaded people who want to protect themselves from getting burned again.  Following these will only result in game-playing, and that is just another word for “manipulation”.

As I’ve just said, deception has no place in a healthy relationship, and anything based on a lie is bound to crumble in the future.  That’s why it’s more important to be a balanced woman instead.  That means no playing “hard to get”, nor should you present him with absolutely no challenge at all.

An attractive woman is who she is partly because she knows how to strike the middle ground: she doesn’t mess with a man’s head, but neither is she easily won over.

# 3: Get your head out of the clouds

You know, a lot of relationship problems are caused by having unrealistic standards.  When you get caught up in fantasizing about IMPOSSIBLE stereotypes, you’re keeping quality men out of your life.

That’s because NONE of them will be able to measure up to the ideal (read: ridiculously perfect) man living inside that fantasy world of yours!  Seriously, you should learn to temper your expectations with a sense of practicality.

In a parallel universe, all of the men you’ll meet have big arms, ripped abs, stunning chiseled looks, and inexhaustible wealth.  You might think that meeting ALL of those qualities are the ticket to a great relationship, but it’s so much more than that.

Ask yourself: will I be able to have a happy relationship if my man didn’t have (insert trait here)?  If so, then you can either make your standards more realistic or cross out that specific item completely.  If not, then keep it on your list and move on to your other standards.

Pare down your list and stick to the essentials.  In twenty years from now, will a flawless physique still be important, as opposed to emotional maturity, faithfulness, or honesty?  Think about that for a while.

You’re not living in a movie here – this is the real world you’re in.  Don’t wait around for a valiant knight to come barging in and rescue you from the drudge of your daily life.

You’ll have to do that for yourself.  That takes us to the next irresistible trait, which is to…

#4:  Derive fulfillment and satisfaction from your life, not a relationship

While a sassy woman will make room for a worthy man in her life, she’s not about to turn her schedule upside-down just to accommodate his preferences.  She has the guts to go on living the way she was before they met.

It’s very important not to lose focus on the other aspects of your life when you get into a relationship.  As we’ve discussed, your life should revolve around what works best for YOU.

Always have your priorities sorted and don’t develop the habit of dropping everything else just for him.  While it’s ok to occasionally move things around for your guy, always leave time for yourself as well adequate room for personal growth.

That’s the problem with a lot of women – once a guy steps into the picture, everything goes haywire.  They forget their family and friends, slack off at work and basically drop off the face of the Earth.

That’s not a healthy way to live your life.  Rather, a relationship should enhance the quality of your life and INSPIRE you to do even better.

Going back to what I mentioned before, whether or not you have a boyfriend at the moment shouldn’t affect the big picture.  Balance your priorities by keeping him in the loop but not to the point where he’s already disrupting your daily existence.

Referring again to our middle-ground metaphor, learn to go out of your way when appropriate but at the same time, avoid appearing too scarce.  Don’t hide from him on purpose just to see how far he’ll chase after you.

You’re better off getting a dog if you’re into that sort of thing.  Remember what I told you about playing games!

Energizing Your Love Life Begins with A Younger, More Active You. Click HERE for more details.

How to Get Outrageous Success with Women

To have outrageous success with women, you’ll need to speak their language.  But it takes the right material to educate you on such a cryptic matter.

After you’ve deciphered the inner workings of the female mind, you’ll totally light up her attraction circuitry right under her radar.

It’s a given in the dating scene that women naturally align themselves with guys who occupy a higher place on the proverbial food chain.  These guys are typically referred to as the ALPHA MALES.

As you probably know, they lord over other men and just smack of social value, which is like Kryptonite to an AFC.  The PUA on the other hand has it running through his veins.

This type of man is looked up to by many, and all the women in the immediate area are irresistibly drawn to him.  What’s ironic is that your veritable “top dog” doesn’t necessarily have the looks of a celebrity, the body of a weightlifter, or the wealth of a CEO.

In fact, lots of materially and politically potent men don’t have the slightest clue to generating genuine and lasting attraction.  Women might think they’ll fall for a good -looking guy, but keeping her around takes MORE than that.

Let’s go over some of the things that will make you more than just an insignificant blip in a woman’s consciousness:

Talking the talk

Your voice is a powerful tool you can use to make women putty in your hands.  Think about it – a well-modulated manner of speaking is absolute dynamite to women.

While not of all of us are gifted with a deep set of vocal cords, you can still pull this off.  You just have to avoid making some key mistakes that could undo your game.

It’s a common tendency to speak in a wimpy, high-pitched voice when we’re nervous or flustered.  As a result, you’ll sound girly, and lack confidence.

MAJOR TURN-OFF!

Don’t let your voice betray your nervousness.  Practice with the way you talk so you don’t give away that you’re not as collected as you seem.

Here’s a suggestion: get accustomed to controlling your voice through some daily exercises you can repeat several times.  Stop pulling your voice out of your throat; instead, make it register deep down in your gut.

Pushing your voice out from the abdominal area adds power.  But don’t try speaking in this manner right off the bat.  Do some humming or even singing exercises so that the sound you produce comes from your diaphragm.

Get used to speaking properly all the time until you’re no longer “faking it”.  As such, having a pleasant voice will become a natural part of your personality.  Ultimately, you’ll feel more confident in the fact that your deep, evenly paced and masculine voice will greatly affect someone’s reactions, specifically with the ladies.

Walking The Walk

Of course, your voice should also match the way you move.  Body language is a huge, make-or-break factor that will INSTANTLY tell a woman what kind of guy you are.

Is an alpha male fidgety?  Does nervous energy manifest strong leadership qualities?

Definitely NOT.  A high-value guy sets himself apart by using his body to express his winning attitude.

He’s relaxed and at ease, but never leans into anyone’s active space.  In the same way, a PUA would automatically blow his approach if he ever leaned into a woman’s “territorial bubble” because that signifies that he’s out to impress her.  That’s not how an alpha male rolls.

Think about how it looks from her perspective.  You’re waiting for what she has to say, and your voice is too weak that you have to lean towards her just to be heard.  That’s hardly the mark of a high-value male.

If anything, you should stand with your feet at shoulder length apart. Not too wide that you look overly cocky, but not too close that you seem sorry for the space you’re occupying.

As our mothers, teachers and countless figures of authority have told us in the past, slouching is for losers.  A weak, rounded posture will cause “WIMP” to be written all over you.

Also, make large, sweeping movements that appear natural, as opposed to quick gestures that make it look like you’re living in a stop-motion animation TV show (watch “Gumby” to see what I mean).

This also applies to the way you walk, which should be SMOOTH and evenly paced.  Let your arms swing slightly, and don’t allow them to flail around.

Alpha Male Stylin’ 101

Hygiene and fashion form another important aspect of maintaining your social value.  Essentially, what women want is a guy who’s MATURE enough to groom and dress like a confident man.

Self-respecting women won’t bother wasting any time with a man who doesn’t pay attention to DETAILS.  For example, if you had poorly managed teeth or reeked of body odor, do you think she’ll want to know what the rest of you is like?

Don’t think that any guy is the exception to good grooming and dressing sensibly.  No man is going to land a real relationship if he places himself above this simple dating prerequisite.

Even if you’re interesting, witty, and have a great sense of humor, a woman can’t appreciate all of that under a nasty exterior of unkempt and unwashed hair, or if you dress like a post-apocalyptic refugee.

The overall way you present yourself is what matters here.  Don’t let a horrid sense of hygiene and style get in the way of meeting the dolled-up, sweet smelling women that attract you.

It’s only fair that you meet them halfway.  It’s not like you’d be interested to go out with someone who was too lazy to brush her teeth, shower or shave her legs, am I right?

So make it a habit to be always meticulously CLEAN.  If you ever want a beautiful woman to snuggle up against your body, you’re gonna have to make that EFFORT.

Here’s a basic, top-to-toe list of things to watch out for:

- Consult with a reputable stylist on which hairstyle suits you in terms of age and body frame.  He/she will be able to figure out if you’re better off growing out your hair, or if the clean-cut look is more appropriate.

- A dentist can clean your teeth and advise you on best dental practices to keep your smile looking bright.  Also, don’t forget to brush after every meal, floss often and use mouthwash.

- Moisturize on a daily basis. I understand that there are many guys out there that think moisturizing is the first step on a slippery slope to femininity, but trust me, women like guys that look after their skin. If you are around the same age as her, it pays to look like her boyfriend rather than her father. A guy that looks after his assets is one that is going to continue to look good as he gets older, rather than looking worn down and weather-beaten.

- Bathe once or twice a day at the very least.  There’s no excuse for smelling bad, so pay attention to the areas that need adequate washing. Use a good deodorant, and if necessary, keep a spray deodorant in your car or work bag for times when you need a little freshen up.  Like I said, a woman won’t be enticed to get in close proximity with someone who doesn’t smell good.

- Get a friend to give you an unbiased opinion on the kind of clothes that will suit your body type.  Have him or her check out the stuff in your closet to figure out which clothes you can keep in active duty or retire permanently. If that’s not an option, drop by a decent clothing store and have the staff guide you on which shirts, belts, pants and shoes will match you. A few basics that you can mix and match will set your wardrobe up really well, and enable you to mix new pieces with some of the older stuff you have saved.  It may set you back a few hundred bucks, but you’ll thank yourself for doing it later on.

- Lastly, get off your ass and get some exercise.  You don’t have to look like Dr. Manhattan from “Watchmen”, but you should at least show the world you’re making an effort to maintain your body and keep fit.  Knowing that you’re taking care of yourself can greatly boost your self-confidence, lift your spirits, and help keep things in place. Not only will you look good, you will feel good! While fitness clubs are ok, try signing up for places that are fairly populated.  Not only will you keep fit, you can also enhance your social skills by interacting with the fellow patrons (which include women, of course!).

So there you have it.  In essence, putting an attractive man together is all about walking and talking like an alpha male…

…as well as dressing and grooming yourself in a way that naturally elicits RESPECT from others.

You’ll definitely look at yourself differently, and the women around you will follow suit and take you seriously.

Energizing Your Love Life Begins with A Younger, More Active You. Click HERE for more details.

What Makes Average Looking Guys Instantly "Hot" to Women

If you talk to any number of super hot girls and approach them, you will start to see one thing over and over - she is going to test you. If you fail these tests, you will not not hook up with her. Period. You will join the piles of men she's had to reject because they weren't confident enough. 

The GOOD news is, that there is a way to pass these tests nearly 100% of the time.

 
Most really hot girls' tests are enough to make men run away with their tails between their legs. If you know the technique to passing, then you are going to be in the VERY small percentage of guys who make it through her defenses and are actually a sexual candidate.

 
If you don't know this one secret technique, you will fail these tests and never gain entrance into the world of attracting and sleeping with truly beautiful women. 

These tests can be one of two types: compliance tests or congruence tests. Today, we are talking about compliance tests. First, let me explain a bit more about these tests and WHY hot women NEED them. 

A compliance test is an act or a statement that checks to see if you are going to do whatever she wants. If you comply, she will have gained control over the conversation, the interaction, and you. It seems like they want you to fail these tests so they have the power, right? 

Fortunately, that is not the case. When women give compliance tests, they really do want you to pass them. It is their way of filtering out a truly confident, attractive guy from the rest. It may sound strange, but beautiful women honestly can't just look

at a guy an say "he's good looking, therefore he's attractive." They need much more because they are approached by so many different types of guys. A really attractive girl will get hit on 10-15 times A DAY. 

That's 3,650 times a year (conservatively) that an attractive woman is hit on. She will start to see patterns in the ways guys behave if they are actually confident or not, and that has nothing to do with looks.

The compliance test is really a test to see whether or not they're going to be able to get away with whatever they want. Why you want to test this? Well, they want to find out whether or not you're used to beautiful women hitting on you or whether or not you're used to being with beautiful women. 

This is a very crucial concept. If you are used to being with beautiful women, you will not bend over backwards for a beautiful woman just because she wants something. Instead, you will respond in a way that sort of puts the compliance back on her. 
Beautiful women are guaranteed to give you compliance tests and if you fail the compliance tests, you are guaranteed not to attract them. So it's very crucial that you learn this.

How do you recognize compliance tests? Basically, look for any demand that she gives you within a short time of meeting that seems small, but gets you to follow. 

One very classic compliance test is "buy me a drink." 

Women go for throat here when you're in the bar because they don't have a whole lot of time to figure out who is attracted and who is confident, who's not. How you respond to "buy me a drink" is very crucial when you're in a bar. 

There are other small things like "why don't you wait here while I go to the bathroom." or "give me a kiss on the cheek" or even "will you take a picture for us?" 

Anything that seems kind of harmless is typically a compliance test especially if it's from a really beautiful woman and you don't want to deny the compliance test, what you want to do is take control over it and add your own terms.
For example, if someone says, "Take our pictures." Then you will say, "okay, I will but I want you to take one picture for you and one picture of how I ask you to take it." So if they refused to do this, and you go, "Alright, well find some other guy." 
You will actually find some other guy to take the camera and say, "Hey man, can you take their picture?" And you just have them take your picture. 

But usually they will say okay fine, you take the picture and you go "okay, now I want you to give me a sexy look." Then take their picture. "Okay now, make a silly face", take a picture. And continue to make them do different pictures as long as you can think of them.

Essentially what you're doing now is you are getting compliance from them. This is crucial. This is called flipping the script and you will hear a lot about this. Flipping the script is one of the most powerful things that you can do to a woman that you don't know and it will create a massive amount of intrigue and a massive amount of attraction that will be built.

So from now on, know and recognize when women is giving you a compliance test. Don't stop and don't reject the compliance test. Add your own terms. 

When you start doing this, you are going to see the truly beautiful women in the bar start to treat you in a completely different way. You can actually watch other guys approach, get shot down and see it ruin their nights as you can easily navigate the sea of compliance tests and come out looking like a rockstar, making her more and more attracted to you since you're the kind of guy who won't just do exactly what she wants

Energizing Your Love Life Begins with A Younger, More Active You. Click HERE for more details.

Do Bad Boys Finish First?

It seems that when it comes to men chasing women, we guys are divided into two camps: the nice guys... and the bad boys. This is a very extreme way of looking at things, making men think that they have to make some huge decison with serious repurcussions, like choosing between the Jedi and Dark Side, good and bad, black and white. But what about the middle ground? If you're a nice guy who puts women on a pedestal and lets them get away with everything, you certainly can't let them keep doing this. But if you're a bad guy who treats women like yesterday's garbage, you're not gonna do much better either. So there's got to be some compromise. Here are my seven proven techniques for getting women by embracing your "inner bad boy"--while still allowing yourself to be you.

1. Surprise them.
If there's one thing girls love, it's a surprise. There's nothing better than keeping them on their toes. Do this by going against social norms; for example, giving her the "black power fist" when she's expecting a handshake. Or walk up to her and challenge her to a game of thumb wars. As you're having a great conversation, say you've gotta leave. This all goes a long ways towards making her heart flutter, and making YOU more attractive--without being a complete dooschbag.

2. Do the unexpected.
Unfortunately, nice guys always do what they're SUPPOSED to do. They say hello, ask sincerely how a girl is, stare in awe as she says she's a model. BORING. Nah, you've gotta release your inner bad boy by doing the stuff you're NOT supposed to do. Show her you're fun, show her you're fearless: flirt shamelessly, grin at a sexual comment, tease unabashedly. You don't have to be a complete jerk to do these things, just a guy who's confident that he'll get away with things that aren't "the norm". Girls love to not know what to expect, so do the unexpected!

3. Be a rebel.
I'm not saying to break the law, but don't always go by the rules. Show her you're fun, break conventions here and there. So what if there are people watching! Give her a big kiss in the middle of the street. So what if boardwalk is closed? Take her for a romantic midnight stroll Who cares if the speed limit is 50? Drive her at 75 and watch her scream in delight. You don't have to be a complete jerk to show a girl some fun.

4. Get physical.
If you're not already at a gym or into martial arts, now is the time. Girls love a guy who can kick butt. It's the part of the bad boy that makes them feel safe and secure. So get to work on your body--nothing says irresistible like a man in shape who can kick some butt.

5. Make her feel safe.
Show her your confidence, your self-assuredness by taking her hand, walking on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street, and never backing down from any situation. That's not a license to get into fights, just to make her feel protected.

6. Tease.
This is a strategy you can't go wrong with. Bad boys never let a girl get away with unacceptable behavior. If she's talking like she's the greatest person ever, they'll joke, "Man, if this lady's ego gets any bigger we're all gonna have to evacuate!" If she says she's a model, say something to the effect of, "Oh yeah? Is that it?" And show her your value by saying, "Listen, I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to stay around. Your mouth is destroying my ear drums." In other words, don't be afraid to joke around and put her in her place!

7. Develop attitude.
I just can’t emphasize enough how crucial having a winning, confident attitude is. You don’t care what others say. You don’t care what others think. No matter how a woman reacts, it just blows right over you. That’s because you’re always in control. No woman—whether beautiful, popular, or rich—has power over you. You don’t need anyone, you’re not dependent on anyone, and you don’t have to cling to anyone. If she thinks she's too good for you, you get right up and move to the next girl, because you're a catch and you know it!

Remember, you don't have to be a complete bad guy to get the girls. Just embrace the winning characteristics of bad boys, and you'll be lining up women left and right!

Don't forget, if you want to learn more about using "the inner bad boy" to attract more women, visit my website HERE!

How Do You Know If He's The Right One for You?

How many dates does it take to make a decision about whether or not you want to pursue a relationship?

I've always been curious about this aspect of dating, because very few women have comparable experiences. With some dates, the knowledge is immediate and instinctual. With other dates, months may pass before the endearing nature of his laugh, his smile, his character becomes apparent.

I know that I am a slow warmer. I am wary when I meet a man for the first time. I am dubious of his intentions. I read innuendo where none was intended. It takes me time to let down my guard.

It's not because I'm naturally a suspicious person. It's because, in the realm of relationships, I've been burned enough by bad apples.

I'm representative of most women my age. By one's thirties, one has experienced enough bad relationships to associate the dualities of pain and pleasure with a man. One is never sure how much to trust.

But this isn't natural.

Twenty years ago, I loved all boys. I played with them innocently and full-heartedly. Boys were my playmates, my cohorts in crime, and my teammates for games. I could think no evil of boys. Their strange preferences for dirt, body odor, cars, and constrictive underpants were simply idiosyncrasies of fascinating playmates.

As I grew older, I realized that boys could no longer be trusted to play innocently with me. My first two male friends in college were cool--a jazz musician and an Apple Mac gamer--until I realized they "liked" me. I quickly dissolved the friendships. I wanted the innocent companionship and friendship of my childhood male schoolmates. I didn't realize that maturing would erase that possibility completely.

When do we women lose our innocence with men? And can we ever regain it?

In my line of work, one great danger is to take relationships and attraction too seriously. Many women feel that the potential of the man they are seeing is a matter of life or death. Instead of having fun playing with him (like a child with a favorite playmate), they evaluate his potential as a father. They situate any future relationship squarely in the realm of adulthood. The rest of their lives is at stake.

My flatmate tells me that the definition of compatibility as a couple is when his or her issues are compatible with your issues.

That's a pretty adult view of the situation.

I have a different view. I believe that you know a man is compatible with you if he likes to play the same "games" you like to play. Maybe you like to tease in a certain way; maybe there's a certain game in bed that you like to play. Maybe you like to go out; maybe you like to mountain bike. If he likes to enjoy himself and have fun and laugh in the same ways as you, you've found a potential soulmate.

We all knew back in childhood that there were some children that we could play with for ages, and there were others who liked games that didn't interest us. It's the same with men and women.

Yet in our attempt to find a suitable man, we often forget to look for one that we have fun with. One that makes the kinds of jokes we find funny (and laughs at our jokes). One that is up for any crazy scheme we propose. One that will make our life happy and light-hearted, not just important and successful.

Life is serious and dry enough. We don't need relationships to replicate those patterns.

Relationships should be a haven from life's dry seriousness. You should be able to feel like a child with your partner, unembarrassed at the silliest of games. Together, you will be responsible for forming a life, raising children, making a home ... but all this will only be enjoyable if you can laugh together.

I have been out on dates with many successful, intense, highly attractive men. I admire them, appreciate them, and learn much from conversations with them. These are the men who will shape the world. No woman can fail to respond to their power.

But as for myself ... in my little, humble world ... I envision my ideal future as one in which there is always laughter, in which I can return to childhood with my spouse and play those games that I didn't get to play enough before I grew "old." I want us to be able to chase one another around the room, have pillow fights, and wrestle. I want us to tease one another, share silly jokes, and dissolve the seriousness of a working day with the magical spell of humor.

So, I suppose, the answer to my question is that it takes exactly the number of dates you need to decide whether you've found a companion you can play with. Some kids find a game they can play with each other right off the bat. Other kids end up trying lopsided games that one but not the other likes until they either find a game they like in common or give up.

Trust your child-heart's instinct. Ask yourself ... if you were a kid, would you play with this guy? Or would he be one of those kids who tries to control the game, or change the rules, or cheat?

A partner who makes life more fun is a treasure indeed,

All the best in life and love,

Amy Waterman
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